Faith and research and struggles involved

its been a long time since i have written a detailed post in my blog. today i attempt to tackle a more serious topic playing on my mind since a long time, probably for the last year. i lost my father to cancer last november and during his days of suffering i was largely confronted with the logistics of taking good care of him. this experience in itself was very enlightening as a human being i should say. those were some very difficult days monetarily but more so socially. i was able to see a whole range of emotions among fellow humans right from grief and sadness to hatred and pity.. such was the situation that it could have been a very good movie. but moving on i started questioning the whole idea of being hopeful and having faith. faith in the human determination and expectation in some divine power that will pick our family up from jaws of grief and sadness and deliver us in to a land of content happiness. the grief was so bad that i started questioning the whole idea of me pursuing research as a vocation thing seemed very out of place and my prayers and the doctors systematic carer proved to be useless and i lost some one or the only one who understood me at an emotional level.
then came the whole purpose of me pursuing a phd and subsequently research as a means of living. yes i was passionate about it and keen about it but i questioned to what end was i planning to achieve by my pursuit. well the answer was simple some unknown questions about life about the facts we already know minus the emotional and egotistic bias of homo sapiens. it hit me hard when i realized that its not the life you lead or the lifetime you use up but its all about what you leave behind for the progeny. i felt that i was in a position to influence and still am in a position to influence no matter in how small a way the lives of all the people who come onto this planet. it is about giving and not taking. the grey underbelly of the indian research scenario where credit for work and group politics play a huge role seemed trivial to me. i for once am ready to share my work with one and all and also am intent on honestly credit the people behind the work done. so what if i look like i am minority in that. what is of significance and value is that such a group of people finally created some thing or answered a few questions that will influence some day the way the human race evolves. the beif should be reward enough for the frustrating hours of failure in the lab.
more than that the moment of truth was when my father in pain asked god to take him from this wretched existence. it was one of the most emotional moments of my life. i still wonder how a human being can muster enough courage to say something like that. we all want badly to spend as much time with our near and dear ones as possible. sometimes tha whole lifetime feels short. but when its time to go how many of us could sacrifice this. probably none. this was my lesson in courage. one thing i learnt is face your obstacles with so much grit and raw courage that even the obstacle wonders what the heck is this man thinking??!! i was a protected and well provided for youngster till the age of 23... years 24 and 25 made a man out of me by sheer necessity of courage... calm... and most importantly presence of mind and detachment from the trivialities just so that i could find solutions to the most complex decisions i had to take.
i dint know whether i will be successful or not but i know one thing life can't get darker than it got for me within the last two years... and therefore any other suffering will surely be enjoyable than loosing a dear one.
i have sort of lost faith in the divine power but have regained the same in human determination and grit. lets hope this new leap of faith doesn't fall flat on its face... my conclusion life ain't a sprint its a marathon... so people save your breath lest you get winded and fall flat suffocating....