Faith and research and struggles involved

its been a long time since i have written a detailed post in my blog. today i attempt to tackle a more serious topic playing on my mind since a long time, probably for the last year. i lost my father to cancer last november and during his days of suffering i was largely confronted with the logistics of taking good care of him. this experience in itself was very enlightening as a human being i should say. those were some very difficult days monetarily but more so socially. i was able to see a whole range of emotions among fellow humans right from grief and sadness to hatred and pity.. such was the situation that it could have been a very good movie. but moving on i started questioning the whole idea of being hopeful and having faith. faith in the human determination and expectation in some divine power that will pick our family up from jaws of grief and sadness and deliver us in to a land of content happiness. the grief was so bad that i started questioning the whole idea of me pursuing research as a vocation thing seemed very out of place and my prayers and the doctors systematic carer proved to be useless and i lost some one or the only one who understood me at an emotional level.
then came the whole purpose of me pursuing a phd and subsequently research as a means of living. yes i was passionate about it and keen about it but i questioned to what end was i planning to achieve by my pursuit. well the answer was simple some unknown questions about life about the facts we already know minus the emotional and egotistic bias of homo sapiens. it hit me hard when i realized that its not the life you lead or the lifetime you use up but its all about what you leave behind for the progeny. i felt that i was in a position to influence and still am in a position to influence no matter in how small a way the lives of all the people who come onto this planet. it is about giving and not taking. the grey underbelly of the indian research scenario where credit for work and group politics play a huge role seemed trivial to me. i for once am ready to share my work with one and all and also am intent on honestly credit the people behind the work done. so what if i look like i am minority in that. what is of significance and value is that such a group of people finally created some thing or answered a few questions that will influence some day the way the human race evolves. the beif should be reward enough for the frustrating hours of failure in the lab.
more than that the moment of truth was when my father in pain asked god to take him from this wretched existence. it was one of the most emotional moments of my life. i still wonder how a human being can muster enough courage to say something like that. we all want badly to spend as much time with our near and dear ones as possible. sometimes tha whole lifetime feels short. but when its time to go how many of us could sacrifice this. probably none. this was my lesson in courage. one thing i learnt is face your obstacles with so much grit and raw courage that even the obstacle wonders what the heck is this man thinking??!! i was a protected and well provided for youngster till the age of 23... years 24 and 25 made a man out of me by sheer necessity of courage... calm... and most importantly presence of mind and detachment from the trivialities just so that i could find solutions to the most complex decisions i had to take.
i dint know whether i will be successful or not but i know one thing life can't get darker than it got for me within the last two years... and therefore any other suffering will surely be enjoyable than loosing a dear one.
i have sort of lost faith in the divine power but have regained the same in human determination and grit. lets hope this new leap of faith doesn't fall flat on its face... my conclusion life ain't a sprint its a marathon... so people save your breath lest you get winded and fall flat suffocating....

A Few Thoughts of Consequence

i look at the world and it looks back at me,
we both seem to be strangers but with time we we let things ease.
created by the world my connection to it seems strained,
for on the day i was born i gave up the natural way of  seeing things,
i saw the world from others eyes seldom trusting my own...
but by the time i found my own eyes a world of time passed me by...
people and memories of distant past return with a flash,
but this time they are seen in a different light....
all the conflict and the pain is replaced by subtle understanding,
i close my eyes and tears roll by
i cry for i have not lived my life to the fullest....
i see so many things i wanted to do...
and so many things i could have done
but then again i wonder is this deja vu or lessons learned...
i guess these lessons make things simple in  a world so complicated by fear of treason...
trust is the measure of a mans depth
for if we dont think while we move through life and ponder upon our very existence
tell me some one why do we exist as human when we live like a tin can rolling emptily through life' treacherous roads.....

Life is a lonely ride

i have lived and i have enjoyed living,
through thick and thin i have carved out a craving,
for the mystery that simply fills me to the brim,
but without it i would be very grim. 
man is born with one goal alone,
to go where no species has gone.
i look ahead though the present seems dark,
if i try hard nothing is too stark.
This small verse i guess will help you look at the world from my eyes.... if ever you have lost anyone dear to you and so passionate about your well being you would know the void it leaves. but the memory of the man who lest instead of disillusioning me encourages me.. the reason being when i meet him up there i can tell i have lived a life which was your dream....

Silence that grows dark- A tale of hope within suffering

The silence of suffering ever grows so dark,

Within this journey so bleak to embark.

Tongues go dry, hearts beat faster,

Only bright new future do they want to render.

Lots of pain and lots of suffering,

Lots of blood and lots of butchering,

Does the creator let flow while creating.

We are mere pawns on this board of chess,

But the rules are different for the crown we aspire to caress.

Though life is but a shade of black, white and grey,

Even in turmoil to be at peace is what we pray.

In the face of dire adversity ,

Does life show its tenacity.

A country full of young blood shall shout 

At the silence that grows ever so devout.

Sand-Things i learnt from nature

The sands wait for no one......
They seek no one....
They travel in your pockets......
But never get attached to you.....
Funny thing is dat dey will slip in wen ever they want......
Slip out wenever life wants dem to....
They are the travelers....who never tire.....
They are the people...who come into ur life wid joy nd leave softly but always tickling u enuf to Remember.....
Remember that that grain of sand was ur companion for a short while.......
They are happy wen you are happy.....
They are strong when u r drenched in tears.....
They are in your eyes....
Then you don't wanna see.....
They are your guide to living a free life......
Tied in shackels of relationships..... 
But free like a bird in life.......
Free like a butterfly.....
Its like the relationship between the flower  the nectar and the butterfly......
Its sacred......
Dare not try breakin it.....
B'coz breakin nevr works......
They are immortals in time nd moment.....

Striptease of the societal norms...

In what can be described only as shocking and alarming a class III student was made to strip down by none other than her teacher as the girl's parents could not pay the fees for the poor kids tuition in Haryana. The reason why this event becomes all the more shocking is that the generation that is right above ours takes the law in their hands with alarming smoothness and efortlessness. More shocking is the fact that it has become a mockery of the largest and the most toothless constitution that the country keeps preaching. A teacher is someone at whom a student looks up to not only for education I believe that the value system of our country too arises from the same source. The boastful noise that our country makes when pitted against others about ones culture becomes a futile effort as precious little is being done by the guardians of this culture to protect it himself.....

In the last year itself the most dangerous thing that could happen to kids is that they fall prey to teachers whose integrity seems misplaced. Instead of being a mentor of sorts they have now become sexual predators who blatantly misuse their societal position of trust and respect.

My condolences to the girl and also this message that it is not she who has been stripped of her clothes it is our country that has been in front of the world community. It is a deplorable act and make everyone with sanity cry for justice...... 

Leaf- A Journey

I fall, I dry, I shrivel...
But that is the happiest day on which i dwell,
I gain my independence from attachment,
To watch the world with great detachment,
In wind i find a friend,
Who carries me on all my errand.
I travel to places unrestrained
To see the world so well trained
But the mother of all beckons
A part of her i must eventually become
to regain life in a different form....